Chapter 6. I'm an Actress - AKA, Paparazzi Hater

Sigmund Freud said, back in his day, "The great question which I have not
been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul,
is - what does a woman want?" I hope that when he finds out, he tells me.

The Amazingly Talented Miss Isabella Swan POV

"Bella, you're gonna wear those taps out on your shoes if you wear them
much more."
My dad was fixing our garbage disposal again, it was the third time it had
broken down that month. He just didn't have the extra money to spend on a
new one yet.
He was too busy spending it all on my dance classes, acting camps and
singing lessons.
"But daddy, this is the BEST. PART!"
I yelled at him angrily, rewinding my favorite movie with Fred Astaire and
Ginger Rogers in it that he'd made me watch over and over and over again
with him so many nights so that I could dance along with them.
It was his fault I was like this.
"Ohhh, kay…time for bed, little one," he told me, putting his wrench down and
coming over to swoop me up and take me to my bedroom.
"NnnnnOOOOO!" I screamed as he turned the VCR off and carried me away,
I was crying after only a minute of realizing he wasn't giving in to my
demands.
I was a spoiled little six year old.
"Can I wear these with my princess dress, daddy?" I asked him, clutching my
tap shoes to my chest when he took them off to help me get my PJs on.
He sighed, looking like he was exhausted, and said, "How about you sleep
WITH them, next to ya, just not on your feet?"
He was good at negotiations, my dad. He never actually said no, he just came
up with something that was close enough to what I wanted so I'd still be happy
and feel like I'd won a battle.
"Kay," I said with a yawn.
"ToMORROW, can I wear them with my princess dress?" I pushed.
He chuckled a little as he put me into my little bed and said, "You're not
allowed to wear them to school, Bells, you know that."
He tucked the comforter around me and kissed the top of my head.
I loved those tap shoes...my first pair...I still have them as a matter of
fact...and the taps are definitely worn out on them.
"But I WANT to wear them, daddy," I insisted, but before I could argue
anymore with him, I was asleep and dreaming about dancing with a purple
dinosaur and chasing rainbows.
~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~
My dad had sacrificed so much for my love of the arts and I just had no idea
what any of it meant back then.
Today, I didn't have to worry about money, and neither did my dad.
But along with growing up and seeing all my dreams start to come true about
being an actress, came other problems. Bigger ones than just whether or not I
could get away with wearing my favorite tap shoes to school or not.
When I was old enough, I left home and headed for New York. I had decided
that I wasn't going to live the Los Angeles life style I'd heard about so often.
Too much death and drugs there, it seemed like. So New York was wear I
would call home.
It wasn't much better it turns out.
But much, much more exciting in my opinion.
I worked hard to get the breaks I'd gotten, there was never any nepotism
played for me, no favors called in by my parents, and I had successfully
avoided sleeping with anyone for any roles I played.
I've still got every broken heel I ever had to prove the non sex type humping
I'd done, believe me.
And despite the paparazzi assholes that followed me out of the gym just to get
a good picture of me sweaty and un-make-upped, I'd been very content with
how my career was building for myself so far.
Until very recently, that is.
I mean, I thought I knew what I was doing, following the right leads, taking the
right parts, consorting with the right…people…
Lately though, I was starting to question my own intentions.
And when I say lately, I mean like, this week.
See, early on, I considered myself a rebel of sorts, as far as new comers go. I
thought I'd get into this industry, kick ass, do my own thing and let people see
what hard work and true skills could do for a woman of my background.
AKA, fresh out of the fields, no living relative of mine was ever in the industry,
so I really and truly, had nothing going for me, but I did it.
I had done pretty well for myself for a while there, too, but then…I slowly,
subtly began to change.
I didn't notice it for a long time, it was just little things I guess, an extra flirt in
the auditions here, a sultry dance with a Director at one of the after parties
there…nothing that bad, I didn't think. Just things that somehow, had tipped
the scales in my favor sometimes.
And on top of the struggles with getting parts…relationships didn't exactly
come easily either.
I had tried to follow my heart when it came to love early on but that meant I
didn't exactly experience it all that often either and according to my publicist,
although that's considered quite sexy for a MAN in this industry, it just makes
women look desperate and alone.
So when I was set up on a date with this really well known Producer a while
back, I figured, why not?
Well I could think of quite a few reasons why not, right about now, actually.
Back then though, some of my contacts, people whom I consider friends in
some instances, had said we were perfect for each other, and a few even
made mentions that he could do wonders for my career.
Something I could have cared less about at the time, honestly.
Things were…pretty magical as far as first dates go, however.
James was charming, good looking, he said all the right things, wore the right
clothes, he took me to all the right places, he even managed to be quite
sweet.
When he wanted to be.
But it seemed lately, that wasn't very often.
For a while there, you see, we were the New York circuit's IT couple,
attending every function, hosting parties at his place, I even won Brightest
New Comer at a small awards presentation for an Indie appearance I'd made
while on a hiatus of sorts.
I couldn't quite grasp an understanding as to why James seemed so irritable
of late with ME, though…considering that it was HIM who was the one who'd
cheated on ME a few weeks ago. I mean, isn't it supposed to work the
OTHER way around when a guy cheats on you?
Provided you don't kick him to the curb that is.
Aren't they supposed to be sweeter, nicer, kinder? Trying to make up for their
wrongs.
Why?
Why didn't I just stay left when I left in the first place?
It's not like I was truly in love with him or anything. Not like you're supposed to
be.
I am such a sap.
His apologies seemed sincere, that's why I'd stayed, I think. And he'd sold me
on the whole, he just needed a second chance routine.
And because I have a really hard time with the whole, letting people down
thing…even if that person has let me down already.
Plus, although I hate to admit it, I HAD gotten quite a few auditions and even
roles because of his influences in the industry.
I don't even think Carlisle would have known my name had he not been
working with James on some other projects.
Not that I didn't get the role of my own caliber.
At least, I like to think Carlisle isn't the type that would hire me SIMPLY
because I was James's…girlfriend, live in guest, whatever.
I don't even know anymore, to tell you the truth.
The tabloids were eating the news up about him and Victoria when they'd
been caught together after hours at a little knows bistro somewhere just out of
the city and I was getting harassed a lot whenever I left his apartment…but I
wanted to stick it out, despite the bad publicity.
The paparazzi were even worse.
"Did you KNOW he was seeing this woman all the while, Miss Swan?" Yeah,
you got it, I knew all about it, our relationship is just a ruse for my OTHER life
that I lead. Idiots.
FLASH…FLASH. The lightbulbs from their cameras would blind me in
between questions.
"Were you DEVISTATED, Miss Swan?" No, I wasn't hurt at all by my long
term boyfriend fucking some woman who's twice my age, twice my stature
and probably twice my talent.
"Will this hurt your career, Miss Swan?" Assholes.
FLASH.
"What are you going to do NOW, Miss Swan?"
Yeah, I know…stupid questions. It's like they just ask the same ones every
time something like this happens.
Have they NEVER been cheated on before?
Do they NOT know what it feels like to be hurt?
It was exhausting just getting up in the morning and getting into my car for
crying out loud.
Anyway, in the end, we denied any problems, told them we were happy as
clams, blah blah blah…when in reality…inside, I was falling apart at the
seams.
To top things off, when I was offered this new role with Carlisle Cullen's
station, the rumors were completely wild about how I'd only gotten it because I
was dating the Producer of the show.
I mean, seriously, do they NOT know my track record? Do they NOT know I
can get MY OWN jobs? Under my OWN experience?
Jerks.
My publicist had said it was best to just ignore the comments and articles
about it, that if I fed the fire, it would only get worse, so, I kept my mouth shut,
and pretended I didn't hear the whispers at the set from the other actresses
who were playing smaller roles or guest appearances.
I also cried myself to sleep some nights.
I just hate the paparazzi, they give the news industry a bad name DAILY and
whenever I see stories in the magazines about how someone has punched
their lights out for getting too close or saying something out of line, I just want
to pay those people's fines FOR them, in the name of standing up for one's
self.
And yet, here I was, not even standing up for myself lately.
I didn't used to be this way and I'm not sure where I'd lost myself along the
path, but after the cast's first meeting as a group with Carlisle that fateful day
when our newest intern writer bumped in to me as we were leaving,
muttering, "hurt me"…I could just tell, from the intense look in his eyes that
night…that things were about to change in New York City, I just didn't know
exactly to what extent they'd be changing.
Not then, anyway.
I only knew that I loved that he made me smile with the simplest of acts.
Like the very next day, when I felt like I was literally willing him to give those
jerks in our story line meeting the what for, then suddenly, like he'd heard my
thoughts, he did.
And won them over, to boot.
And then the NEXT day, when he'd taken Mike's onion bagel.
Blech.
I thought I was going to die at Mike's reaction, and then immediately felt bad
as Edward choked on it and when James was such a jerk to him I told him as
much when he whisked me away, not allowing me to even get the poor man a
drink.
"Bella, I'm not being a jerk, I'm simply letting the boy learn not to take other's
bagels."
I laughed bitterly. "James, it's. A. Bagel."
"Bagel today, blackberry tomorrow, you know how those struggling writers
are," he'd mused, smiling at some of the crew as they passed us.
"You're such an asshole these days, you know that? The guy HARDLY looks
the thieving type," I whisper yelled at him, so no one would HEAR us.
God forbid.
When I stopped to think about it, Edward looked like more of the sweet, buys
you flowers for no reason type, actually.
I smiled.
Because whoever he ended up buying those flowers for, was a lucky, lucky
woman.
"Yes, and you're the epitome of grace," James informed me, sarcastically as
he left me there in the hallway, trotting off to go meet Carlisle for a quick premeeting
meeting before they joined the rest of us.
I sighed.
And thought about going back to the food table, to see if Edward was still
there, but that would probably have been a little too obvious and in turn would
have just sparked rumors, attracting the swarms of paparazzi again.
So, I admired him from afar, and was pretty content with it, watching him
speak with the utmost confidence one moment, then seeming so cute and
awkward the next…I hid the giggles and snorts I felt coming whenever he
made Mike look...well, not so smart...especially considering how smart Mike
thinks he is.
I honestly didn't really think he'd have much to say to me when I'd stopped
him after the next meeting where he explained the new plot line of our show,
woo'ing the people around him. They saw it, too, I'd noticed...he had
something…something very special.
The only people who seemed oblivious to me were James of course, and
Mike…and "the twins", but they never really liked much of anything, so they
didn't count.
The way Edward told me he thought I could do anything I wanted in that
hallways…I almost believed him…and I just get shivers thinking about how his
lips had almost touched mine that afternoon.
And he called me...Bella.
I wanted to kiss him, I could feel his breath on me and it made me shiver…but
then, I noticed James coming down the hall and with all those people there,
there was just no way I could be seen kissing another man, for ANY reason,
after James and I had just worked so hard to get the tabloids off of our backs.
Don't get me wrong, although I wasn't willing to make James look like a fool
by kissing someone out in public somewhere, that wasn't to say I didn't want
to.
It's just that James's career means a lot to him, and I'm just not willing to be
the one to give him a bad rep.
Then Edward stood up for me after James's comment about my
opinions…and I…just…
Swooned.
Nobody ever stands up for me, I'm always doing that for myself, or…used to
be…and it was such a nice change of pace to have someone say something
in my honor for once.
And Edward is…well he's almost too much for me to even consider...and he's
a writer, which would make things…complicated…and then there's the
whole…
Who am I kidding?
I'm with James…for now anyway and besides, James would probably kill this
poor man if I'd let him.
Kiss me, that is.
He's not a pushover though, Edward…there's this, quiet confidence he seems
to have…like when he was able to convince Mike that this part was THE part
for him, I was in awe.
I have to admit, when we were reviewing the new plot line, I was a little
nervous about playing a comedic role.
Sandra Bullock would have been their best bet, but he seemed so, convinced
that I could do it, I felt like I really could.
Sometimes, the things he said, the way he made me feel, it…just made me
want to push him up against a wall and slide my tongue right down his throat.
And it was killing me that I couldn't do it.
So…
When Mike…BIT…my tongue, and Edward had blurted out that it hadn't been
in the script…and Mike told Edward to show him how it's done, and James
made that comment, insinuating how Edward had been pretty much fail at
kissing, I jumped at my chance.
"You're all about second chances, AREN'T you, James?" I asked him,
knowing he wouldn't push that card too hard to the side in front of everyone.
I dared him silently to challenge me on it.
He of course reacted just as I'd suspected he would, turned his back and
made his IMPORTANT phone calls as Edward just gawked at me.
Probably re-thinking the whole thing, I mean, why would he want to kiss me
after I'd made him look stupid the day before, and just created a scene in front
of everyone with my boyfriend…Could I be more obvious?
"I…" he barely whispered. I just eyed him, hoping he'd do it, praying that he
heard my silent begging for him to put his lips to mine.
"Well, monkey…" James said, not bothering to look over and I silently told him
to SHUT. UP.
Moron.
I waited patiently, but was just about to give up when Edward made no move
but then, he finally started over toward me. I couldn't take my eyes off of him,
it was like no one else was there.
"Okay, well…" he started. "The first thing you remember is that she's your
life."
I knew Edward was just trying to make Mike see how he should be thinking,
mentally preparing for a kiss on television, but his words gave me chills.
I wanted more.
"You can't live without her."
Yes.
I started breathing erratically, heavy, I felt so peaceful, the closer he got…not
at all like when I was around James…that was more of a nervous, anxious, I
hope I don't make him look stupid kind of feeling.
"If she was to leave your world, you'd literally die."
My heart swelled when he said that, and I couldn't help but add to the moment
by adding, "And she wouldn't leave even if you wanted her to."
I thought he hesitated for a minute there, as he placed a hand on my waist
and I shivered.
"Are you cold?" he asked me, looking confused at my reaction.
"Not even close," I told him, because quite frankly, I was very…very warm at
the moment.
His other hand slid around to my neck and his thumb touched my bottom lip
and my tongue instinctively wet them as he leaned in.
Finally.
"You feel her heartbeat…it's like feeling your own," he said, only inches away
from me now, and everyone and everything was suddenly gone. I felt like I
was in an old black and white movie with Humphrey Bogart, waiting outside of
the small two engine plane I was deciding not to board.
"Because it's yours," I told him and his lips met mine in the sweetest, softest,
gentlest, yet most passionate way I'd ever been kissed.
In my entire life.
I was shaking, nervous, like this was my first kiss back in high school and it
was all I could do to keep from letting my knees buckle from underneath me
as his touch continued to give me goose bumps.
My mouth opened for him, and his wonderful tongue slid right in, meeting
mine.
The connection was beyond anything I could even begin to comprehend
because never had I ever experienced something like this, and I surely
wouldn't be expecting it in a million more years to come.
Then my hands moved to hold his face for just a moment before they moved
around to the back of his head, feeling his beautifully scruffy hair there. I
tugged on it just a little, trying to fight the urge to grind myself up against him
in a highly inappropriate manner.
Edward ended the kiss slowly and yet if felt abrupt to me, like it hadn't lasted
long enough.
He didn't let go of me though and I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes,
ending our moment, until I heard Edward say something about something not
being necessary and then he jerked away from me, snapping me into reality
once again.
I felt so flush, I was sure I'd given myself away regarding how I felt about him,
but when I checked over toward James, he was still on his phone call, not
paying any attention.
Thank god.
"You're um…really…that was…" Edward stuttered and all I could bring myself
to say was, "I know."
"I…" he started to say, but Mike interrupted him, talking to Carlisle about
something.
Say it, Edward…what were you going to say?
"Will do, boss!" Mike yelled.
Things were coming back into focus, and the world hardened again for mee.
Edward became distracted then, and made a few comments with Carlisle
before Carlisle called James after him for another meeting.
Then James said something into his phone and ended his call, leaving without
even a single word to me.
I felt like an idiot.
THEN Mike wanted to go over our lines again, giving me zero opportunity to
stay and ask Edward if he'd felt the same things I had during our kiss…I was
feeling highly emotional for some reason.
Maybe because James was being a complete ass, maybe because of how
that kiss had made me feel, opening up things in me I hadn't thought existed,
or maybe…because I felt like a complete SLUT for throwing myself at Edward
like that, right in front of the whole cast and crew.
I bit tears back though, and before I left for the evening, I couldn't help but
walk back to Edward and tell him quietly,"Edward?"
"Yes, Bella?" I loved how my name sounded coming from his lips…the ones
that had just kissed me.
I smiled.
"I think kissing is definitely your forte," I told him, then left with Mike to
rehearse lines that I wished I would be saying with Edward.
…..
The next couple of days went…quietly.
I saw Edward a couple of times, when some of the lines were being tweaked,
and he made some eye contact with me, but mostly, he just seemed to avoid
me and I was so busy trying to memorize everything and get my reactions
down, that by the time I left at night, I was exhausted.
I couldn't bring myself to visit James at night, I told him I needed sleep
desperately and he didn't argue with me for once. I almost thought he was
trying to make up for his actions on Thursday, the way he was being so nice.
Especially when he called me on Saturday, asking if I'd like to accompany him
to the musical, Shrek.
I hadn't really been up for seeing him much, but I was torn because I'd
REALLY been wanting to see it, however, there just hadn't been much time, it
seemed, and things had gone so smoothly the last couple of days, that I really
felt like he was maybe just trying to…try…
"We'll consider it a celebration," he said when he picked me up. "The show is
going to be a hit, and you, my dear," he kissed my cheek. "Are going to cause
the Nielson's to explode."
"Really?" I asked him half heartedly. "You think so?"
"Oh hell yeah," he answered, smiling.
I couldn't keep the smile off of my face as we got into the limo that would take
us to the show and although the ride was quiet on the way there, and James
did a bunch of typing into his Blackberry, I was happy, thinking about the week
ahead of me.
Dress rehearsals were coming up, then the live show, and publicity
interviews…I was going to have a lot on my plate, but I loved it, relished in
it…the hustle and bustle, this is what I signed on for when I moved here.
I was staring out of the window when we arrived in front of the building, and
James came around to my side to help me out of the car.
"How about we visit that quaint little place you like so much, after the show
tonight, too?" he asked as we walked in and he handed our tickets to the
gentleman at the door.
"You mean Vudu Lounge?"
Oh man, I loved that place!
"Yeah," he laughed. "The Vudo Lounge." James said it all eerie and spooky
like, teasing me.
"That sounds great, James…thanks," I said to him and we entered the theatre
to take our seats.
He took my hand and wrapped my arm through his as he guided me to where
we'd be sitting and as I watched him, I couldn't help but wonder what in the
world was up with him.