Who's that guy that said, "The only thing we have to fear is, fear itself"?
Because I'm tellin' you right now, that's bullshit.
The Armature Singer's POV
Thursday night…
"Onnnnnnne tequila! Twoooooooo tequila! Threeeeeeeee tequila!"
The crowd was yelling so loud, I could barely see straight.
Or maybe that was the amount of alcohol in my system that was affecting my
vision.
It doesn't matter.
When Emmett and I downed that fourth tequila shot and every one screamed,
"Fouuurrrrrrrrrrr!" I wobbled, I'll admit…but hell if I was going down like that.
Nope, if I was gonna pass out, it was gonna be in the privacy of my very own,
borrowed, uncomfortable as fuck couch in Emmett's tiny living quarters, about
a mile away.
Later. There'd be plenty of time for passing out later.
I held onto the railing of the bar in front of me and almost missed but stood my
ground, one-eying Emmett and then swallowed down the urge to puke,
smiling at him.
At least I think I was smiling.
"Yes!" he screamed, holding a fist up for me to bump it as we slammed our
shot glasses down onto the bar.
And that was only just the beginning.
As the evening grew late, we made sure we ate enough to absorb the alcohol,
you know, so we wouldn't get too wasted too early.
The spinach dip bread bowl app at Jasper's place by the way, to fucking die
for.
Every couple of hours, when a jet engine could be heard, a bell would ring
and the same tequila challenge that Emmett had talked me into participating
in would be issued.
I don't even know how they heard those jet engines over the music and the
crowd and the city noises.
Thinking back, I'm pretty sure they might have been making that shit up.
In addition to our binge drinking throughout the evening, the bar became
something different. More and more people crowded in after the shows and
every once in a while the music that was playing would stop, just long enough
for someone to sing some random ass song, up on the karaoke stage Jasper
had in the back, that I hadn't noticed before.
Apparently, after seeing the shows, lots of folks were inspired to sing
themselves.
Mostly, very badly.
I leaned over to Emmett. "Does Jasper hold karaoke competitions or
something?" I asked him.
He just laughed, eyeballing the Texan. "Somethin' like that."
His voice hinted something but in my happily drunken state, I couldn't be
bothered to care, so I just laughed it off and hooted along with the crowd for
the singers as they would end their songs, raising my bottle or glass or
whatever I happened to be holding at the time and enjoyed the night of
celebration of sorts I was having for myself.
I thought a lot about how Bella's lips had felt against mine earlier that day.
Her body was soft and warm and it teased me, even as I tried to drown her
out that night.
I wanted to feel her chest pressed up against mine again.
I craved it.
But it was such a bad idea to go there again, I'd decided...or...at least the
angel sitting on my right shoulder thought so anyway.
The devil on the left was saying, go for it.
Or maybe that was my dick.
Same thing.
Still later into the night, the mood changed, yet again, and loud dance music
pumped throughout the building and we joked and I continued to attempt to
push thoughts of Bella out of my mind, knowing she was someone else's,
even if it seemed to me, that someone was one hundred percent wrong for
her.
And a big fucking jerk, to boot.
"Hey Edward, you think you can write a scene where Mike grows a tail?" Alice
asked out of no where.
At least it seemed like no where, they could have been talking about Mike and
tails for hours for all I knew.
"I'd just love to dress him in a hose hanging out of his ass," Rose mused,
taking another swig of her beer.
"I cannot stand doing that man's make up…he's always asking for a better
tan, does he not know he looks orange when he makes me put too many
layers of that shit on his face?"
Emmett chuckled hard, pulling me out of my fantasies of stuffing James's
head up a monkey's ass and we all laughed.
"That'd be like merging the DNA of an Oompa Loompa with a flying monkey!"
he laughed.
Seemed like just about everything I had anything to do with lately,
had something to do with monkeys.
The girls pulled us out onto the dance floor as the music jammed away with
that really deep base sound that makes your heart hurt. Alice left me after only
a couple of songs to go hang out over at the bar though, to make goo-goo
eyes with Jasper.
Apparently, they're dating.
And let me just say - those two, are not afraid of PDA.
That's Public Displays of Affection, by the way.
I'm also learning lots of cool new acronyms for shit.
I smiled, simply because they were like, the cutest fucking couple I'd ever
witnessed.
I drank most of the remainder of the night away, wondering mindlessly as I did
about what Bella was doing, or what she might be thinking about, or, my worst
thought, who she was kissing.
I didn't like the thought of that James dick putting his mouth on her beautifully
shaped, perfect, soft lips…or fucking Mike Newton for that matter…and I didn't
want to think about how it was going to affect me throughout this show's life,
so I just kept on drinking.
When we finally left and made it back to Emmett's place, I indeed passed out
on his couch.
About five minutes later, it was time for work again.
I don't know how I got through Friday, to tell you the honest to god's truth. I
don't remember much about it except for Bella's eyes looking at me every so
often, Bella's lips saying something to someone when she was rehearsing her
lines, her hips, the way they moved when she swayed across the sound stage
to go take a break, or get herself something to eat…or drink.
Ugh…drinking.
I wanted to find a nice cold toilet bowl and curl up around it for a nice, long,
nap.
We didn't talk much, Bella and I, which was probably a good thing, I reeked of
tequila and may have very well still been drunk and could have quite possibly
have said something I might have regretted later.
Like, I don't know…"I love you Bella Swan, will you leave your rich and hoity
toity boyfriend for me even though I make absolutely no money and don't have
a home or even a twenty dollar bill to buy you a hot dog from a street vendor?
No?"
As everyone was filing out of the building late that afternoon, Emmett asked if
I wanted to join him and the girls for some drinks before I had to work and I
wanted to empty my stomach out right onto his work boots.
"I take that as a no, then?" he asked, shoulders bobbing, taking in the look on
my face.
"I gotta be at Jasper's by ten PM, dude, I don't wanna blow my first night
working for him by being drunk when I get there."
He scrunched his nose. "Yeah, guess not," he answered, clapping me on the
shoulder.
Hard.
Fuckin ow.
"Doing some side work for old Japser, huh Masen?" James asked from
behind me and my head jerked in his direction, surprised anyone was even
still there with us.
Where'd he come from anyway?
"Uh…yeah," I said to him and he smirked. "Ah, the life of an intern…no
money, no way of getting promoted until you've put your time in, and…well…"
he smiled wider, sucking in a sarcastic breath of air as he did it. "No way to
take a real woman out until you have either of those…tough break, monkey."
He laughed as he trotted off and before I got my mouth to work, Emmett said
what I wanted to.
"Dick."
"My thoughts exactly."
He let out a kind of half laugh, half bitter sounding chuckle and said, "Well, I
guess I'll see ya at home later then, dude…good luck tonight."
I waved as Emmett left, set my watch alarm and grabbed a shower and a nap
at the station before work that night.
As far as crappy dressing up like a cartoon character jobs go though, working
for Jasper wasn't so bad.
The women ate up my Scottish impersonation of Shrek as I served them
drinks and they took lots of pictures with me and not only did I become a hit
with the crowd, but I made seven hundred dollars that night.
Jasper said he didn't know any previous employee that had made that much
in my position.
The key was getting over looking like an idiot and just having fun with the
damn gig.
I mean, I didn't have any other prospects out there at the moment, did I?
It really wasn't as bad as I'd thought it was gonna be and to top things off, I
got my first seriously restful break from the chaos of my first week in New
York City on Saturday morning.
Emmett got up early, although I have no idea how, and had gone jogging and
that meant that I got to sleep in. He left me a note saying he didn't know if he'd
be home all day. He had plans with Rose and sometimes that apparently
entailed traveling down to Washington DC…for the day.
The note also said that he and the girls were planning on visiting me at Vudu
later to give me some moral support.
I couldn't even begin to imaging where that guy got all his energy from.
I tried to keep myself busy that day, you know...aka, off of Bella Swan...so I
cleaned his apartment up for him, it was the least I could do and it tended to
keep my mind off of Bella…for the most part.
Until a song that reminded me of her would come on, or I'd inadvertently think
about her when I'd grab a piece of clothing off of the floor that was my favorite
color on her…
Basically, I thought about her all day.
I indeed did not see Emmett all day either, so when it came time to leave for
my money making job, I left a few hundred dollars of what I'd made the
evening prior in an envelope for him with a note of thanks for letting me stay
with him and said I'd see him later.
…..
"I'm a bee…I'm a bee…I'm a, I'm a bee…" I was singing and bobbing to the
music as I walked around with my tray of drinks in my super hot Shrek
costume.
I was hot.
The second night on the job was going smoothly and I didn't even mind so
much when Emmett and the girls arrived, laughing and giggle snorting at me,
making their way to the bar to sit and get their drinks on.
After a while, I took a short break to go chat with them when I saw
something…or rather, some one walk in and I suddenly became
really…really hot in that costume.
And I don't mean, like, hunky hot...I mean...I needed to get out of that get up
before I spontaneously combusted hot.
"Oh, no," I said under my breath and Emmett, who apparently has very keen
hearing, asked, "What?"
No, no, no, no, no…this is not happening.
I didn't have to answer him, he'd already followed my line of vision and seen
James walk in…with Bella.
"Oh, man…this is gonna be gooooooooood," he laughed and I took a nice
long, deep breath and hoped the sudden change in my body temperature
didn't sweat the make up right off of me.
There was always the chance she wouldn't recognize me, anyway.
Right?
"You may as well get it over with, Edward," Alice told me and I could tell she
felt bad for me, but she also wanted to watch the fireworks as they unfolded.
I was in the middle of coming up with a game plan in my head when I heard
him.
James was screaming over the crowd for me, "Shrek! Yo Shrek! Over here!"
"I think I'm gonna be sick," I said out loud and Jasper told me, "I don't think so,
Masen, you're my biggest money maker right now."
"Speaking of which, I think you gave me a little to much extra mula, my
friend," Emmett broke in but I told him I wasn't taking a dime back, he really
saved my ass.
I took a deep breath into my lungs. "Well, here's go my sudden death of
complete embarrassment…" I turned back to the gang one more time and
said in my Scottish Shrek voice, "burn me boddeh…It'll be far tha best."
They laughed, but hell, I was serious.
"Hallo," I said as I walked up to Bella's table that she shared with the devil
incarnate.
James scrunched his face a little, looking at me and Bella in turn watched him,
then me, then James again as he said, "M…Masen? Is that…you?"
Yeah, like you didn't know that, shit head.
"Uh…."
"Edward?" Bella laughed. "You look…"
"I know…it's…" I shook my head. "Money…"
Somebody shoot me…anybody…please?
"No doubt," she said in agreement, enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe
some of the jobs I had to take when I first got here."
Okay, that wasn't what I'd expected...
"I'm sure none were as great as…" I waved a hand across my body
pretending to do a Don Juan impersonation with my eyes and she giggled
again. It sounded like music and I decided, if dressing like Shrek made her
light up like that, I'd wear this outfit every day for the rest of my life if I had to.
"Really?" she laughed again. "How about a four foot tall foam ten gallon hat
with a red and white checkered shirt and plastic gun holsters?"
"You're joking," I told her, trying not to laugh too hard.
She stood up and put her hands on her hips, twisting her mouth a little to
impersonate a cowboy.
I think.
"Welcome to Roy's, pard…ner…what'll it be fer ya?" she said and I lost it.
Lost. My shit, folks, she was hilarious, and not afraid to make a fool of herself.
This was not the quiet woman in the studio I'd been watching shamelessly all
week. She was brilliant during rehearsals, but in between takes she just
seemed so…shy.
"H…Oh my god, I'm…so sorry…" I said through my hand as it covered my
mouth to hide the laughing I couldn't help anymore.
I could just picture her saying that every day, tens of thousands of times a
day…wanting to beat a customer for not being able to make up their mind or,
making fun of her hat…which I'm sure she looked sexy as hell in…
"How about you stop the chit chat, Masen, and…sing," James said suddenly,
breaking into our private conversation.
Rude.
"What?" I laughed, confused as to whether that was supposed to be some
kind of a joke or something.
Bella's face fell, watching him now.
"You heard me, SING, monkey," James said again, arrogantly this time,
popping a few peanuts into his mouth and I turned to Jasper for some help,
who was at the bar and had seen and quite possibly heard everything that had
just gone down.
He simply shrugged and gave me this look of apology but was kinda sorta
insinuating that yeah, that was part of the gig and I remembered the first day
I'd met him when he'd asked me, "Can ya sing?"
Emmett was next to him, with Rose and Alice at his sides, shoulder bobbing
his ass off.
Oh man...insert I am so completely fucked face here.
"James…" Bella started in her quiet way, not at all like the funny girl from a
few minutes ago.
"Hey I'm a fair guy," he teased, not breaking eye contact with me. "I'll even let
YOU pick the song."
Bella was visibly cringing, making this face like she wanted to apologize, but
that there was just no accounting for the complete dickish nature of her
boyfriend.
My boss.
Apology accepted, Bella.
"Look, I'm sorry if I…" I started with him, admitting to myself that I was after
all, stealing the attentions of his girlfriend he'd come there with.
"No, no, not at all, Masen…I'm just really in the mood for
some…entertainment tonight…I…wanna hear you…sing."
"James, seriously," Bella was saying, annoyed now.
"He doesn't mind Isabella…it's his job…right monkey?" he asked me and I
nodded, bowing slightly to Bella, leave to go find the stage, with my proverbial
tail between my legs once again with this guy.
Now…to find a song.
"You don't understand," I said to Jasper as he guided me up to the stage,
apologizing for not warning me properly about this crazy shit. "I don't…I
can't…there's no way…"
I had serious stage fright...hence, writing the lines that the actors read in front
of people, as opposed to...acting them out myself.
"Edward," he said, calming me down by placing a hand on my shoulder. "Just
wing it, dude, people git up here every weekend and make asses of
themselves…ya can't be any worse than them."
"Thanks, Jasper," I said, wearily. "That's…" really not very encouraging at all.
Shit.
I browsed quickly through the list of song choices in the DeeJay's book of
debauchery, figuring…I could sing something sappy to let Bella know how I
feel about her and how she really needed to ditch the dick…but that would just
be like committing suicide with a microphone.
No.
I needed to go for the funny.
I couldn't sing that great, and anything I…
Totally just found the perfect song.
"Here," I said to the DeeJay and he chuckled. "Excellent choice, Masen."
"We'll see," I told him and psyched myself up before turning to the crowd that
was already clapping and whistling for me to get started.
As the music began, I even had the most genius of ideas, seeing how
I did have the Shrek outfit on…and I had been talking Scottish for practice
already…and Mike Myers did speak with that cool Scottish accent in the
movie…
Yeah, I'd be singing this bad boy with the thickest and best Proclaimer's
accent in all New York City.
I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with anyone at first, that shit was
just way to goddamn embarrassing and not looking them in the eyes was
making it just a tad easier.
Emmett was at the bar with the girls, his shoulders bobbing, trying really hard
not to laugh at me as he realized what song I'd be singing but tried to
encourage me by clapping and nodding.
Here goes nothing…I thought as my queue was coming up.
I cleared my throat.
When I wake up well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes
up next to you…
Good lord this was bad, but I'd muddle through it…there was no way James
was gonna get my goat.
When I go out…yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes
along with you….
When the drums played during the next line, I jumped and there were a few
laughs as I continued.
If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk
next to you
And if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's havering
to you!
What the fuck is a haver?
I was so fucking nervous I thought I could hear my own voice shake, but the
crowd seemed to like it and they were hooting and cheering already, even
only a couple of lines into the song, so I tried to get myself to open up a little
and point out around the crowd with the Chorus…doing a little mock march as
I did it.
But I would walk 500 miles, And I would walk 500 more, Just to be the man
who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door…
Yeah, they liked that shit...so much so that a few people even started singing
the chorus with me.
I think Bella was too, but I was avoiding eye contact with her all together, still,
so I couldn't be sure.
I did some sort of crazy ass Shrek dance, gyrating mah belleh.
When I'm working yes I know i'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's
working hard for you…
This part was of course for Emmett.
And when the money comes in for the work I'll do, I'll pass almost every penny
on to you
I pointed to him and he nodded, raising his beer to me as if to say, "damn
straight."
When i come home yeah know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who
comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's
growing old with you
The chorus included more people singing along this time and following that
was the hook.
I was caught a little off guard when Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper all
shouted it from the bar at me.
"Da la da da!" they sang loudly and I repeated it back to them like we'd been
practicing that shit for years.
I was laughing my ass off by the time that part was over.
I hadn't expected the increase in self confidence that it would instill in me, but
it did, and when there was a short lull in the singing, I shushed the crowd
before making direct eye contact with Bella finally, who was already watching
me, and sang the next lines to her and her alone.
When I'm lonely…well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man whose
lonely without you.
And when I'm dreamin'…well i know I'm gonna dream, I'm gonna dream about
the time when I'm with you.
She had been singing, I could tell, but when I started singing to her, she
stopped, and the laughter faded from her lips and she seemed only a little bit
embarrassed, looking around to see if anyone else was staring at her.
Other than the six foot tall freak dressed like Shrek up on the stage, that is.
Or James.
When I go out, yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes
along with you.
When I come home yes I know i'm gonna be, I'm gonna, be the man who
comes back home with you.
I pointed to her.
I'm gonna be the man who's coming hooooooooooome…with you.
More people joined in on the chorus and the gang at the bar did their da la da
da shit again. By the time I was done singing, I felt like a rock star and had my
fists pumping in the air and as the song ended, people clapped loud, standing
up and cheering me on, calling my name out like they'd just paid seventy five
dollars to see me at a live concert or something.
Eat. That. James.
Monkey my ass.
I don't know if it was the high I'd just come off of from that song, or the people
egging me on, or the alcohol that was still likely in my system from the
previous few nights that made me do what came next and looking back, it
might have very possibly shown poor judgment on my part, but like I said
before, I fly by the seat of my pants and when I jumped off that stage, I walked
right up to Miss Bella Swan, took her by the hand and pulled her into the most
ridiculous, green Shrek make-up, fat suit filled kiss I could muster.
It was just like on the sound stage earlier in the week.
Pricks of heat traveled up my arms…and other places and my dick hardened
but luckily she wouldn't be able to notice that part with the fat suit on.
I told her, with that kiss, everything I'd been thinking over the past couple of
days. That James was wrong for her, that she was beautiful, that I wanted
her...badly...that thoughts of her haunted me in my sleep and while I was
awake, and that as much as I knew it was a bad idea to want her and pursue
her, I wasn't planning on aggressively avoiding that course of action anymore.
As best as one can in an Ogre costume, that is.
I do believe I even heard a slight whimper emit from Bella, which only made
me deepen the kiss further.
She felt so good in my arms.
I don't remember anyone ever feeling so...right there before.
Whistling ensued and I heard Emmett above everyone and everything else
hollering, "The man!" and decided I'd better break it before we got a ticket for
indecent exposure in public or some crazy ass shit like that.
Bella seemed breathless when I pulled away and I smiled, enjoying the blush
that rose to her cheeks for a moment before staring down at James, who
looked like he wanted to break my face, and asked him, "Any other requests?"
smirking my green face off at him.
Then he stood up and slugged me.
Insert black out here.
Because I'm tellin' you right now, that's bullshit.
The Armature Singer's POV
Thursday night…
"Onnnnnnne tequila! Twoooooooo tequila! Threeeeeeeee tequila!"
The crowd was yelling so loud, I could barely see straight.
Or maybe that was the amount of alcohol in my system that was affecting my
vision.
It doesn't matter.
When Emmett and I downed that fourth tequila shot and every one screamed,
"Fouuurrrrrrrrrrr!" I wobbled, I'll admit…but hell if I was going down like that.
Nope, if I was gonna pass out, it was gonna be in the privacy of my very own,
borrowed, uncomfortable as fuck couch in Emmett's tiny living quarters, about
a mile away.
Later. There'd be plenty of time for passing out later.
I held onto the railing of the bar in front of me and almost missed but stood my
ground, one-eying Emmett and then swallowed down the urge to puke,
smiling at him.
At least I think I was smiling.
"Yes!" he screamed, holding a fist up for me to bump it as we slammed our
shot glasses down onto the bar.
And that was only just the beginning.
As the evening grew late, we made sure we ate enough to absorb the alcohol,
you know, so we wouldn't get too wasted too early.
The spinach dip bread bowl app at Jasper's place by the way, to fucking die
for.
Every couple of hours, when a jet engine could be heard, a bell would ring
and the same tequila challenge that Emmett had talked me into participating
in would be issued.
I don't even know how they heard those jet engines over the music and the
crowd and the city noises.
Thinking back, I'm pretty sure they might have been making that shit up.
In addition to our binge drinking throughout the evening, the bar became
something different. More and more people crowded in after the shows and
every once in a while the music that was playing would stop, just long enough
for someone to sing some random ass song, up on the karaoke stage Jasper
had in the back, that I hadn't noticed before.
Apparently, after seeing the shows, lots of folks were inspired to sing
themselves.
Mostly, very badly.
I leaned over to Emmett. "Does Jasper hold karaoke competitions or
something?" I asked him.
He just laughed, eyeballing the Texan. "Somethin' like that."
His voice hinted something but in my happily drunken state, I couldn't be
bothered to care, so I just laughed it off and hooted along with the crowd for
the singers as they would end their songs, raising my bottle or glass or
whatever I happened to be holding at the time and enjoyed the night of
celebration of sorts I was having for myself.
I thought a lot about how Bella's lips had felt against mine earlier that day.
Her body was soft and warm and it teased me, even as I tried to drown her
out that night.
I wanted to feel her chest pressed up against mine again.
I craved it.
But it was such a bad idea to go there again, I'd decided...or...at least the
angel sitting on my right shoulder thought so anyway.
The devil on the left was saying, go for it.
Or maybe that was my dick.
Same thing.
Still later into the night, the mood changed, yet again, and loud dance music
pumped throughout the building and we joked and I continued to attempt to
push thoughts of Bella out of my mind, knowing she was someone else's,
even if it seemed to me, that someone was one hundred percent wrong for
her.
And a big fucking jerk, to boot.
"Hey Edward, you think you can write a scene where Mike grows a tail?" Alice
asked out of no where.
At least it seemed like no where, they could have been talking about Mike and
tails for hours for all I knew.
"I'd just love to dress him in a hose hanging out of his ass," Rose mused,
taking another swig of her beer.
"I cannot stand doing that man's make up…he's always asking for a better
tan, does he not know he looks orange when he makes me put too many
layers of that shit on his face?"
Emmett chuckled hard, pulling me out of my fantasies of stuffing James's
head up a monkey's ass and we all laughed.
"That'd be like merging the DNA of an Oompa Loompa with a flying monkey!"
he laughed.
Seemed like just about everything I had anything to do with lately,
had something to do with monkeys.
The girls pulled us out onto the dance floor as the music jammed away with
that really deep base sound that makes your heart hurt. Alice left me after only
a couple of songs to go hang out over at the bar though, to make goo-goo
eyes with Jasper.
Apparently, they're dating.
And let me just say - those two, are not afraid of PDA.
That's Public Displays of Affection, by the way.
I'm also learning lots of cool new acronyms for shit.
I smiled, simply because they were like, the cutest fucking couple I'd ever
witnessed.
I drank most of the remainder of the night away, wondering mindlessly as I did
about what Bella was doing, or what she might be thinking about, or, my worst
thought, who she was kissing.
I didn't like the thought of that James dick putting his mouth on her beautifully
shaped, perfect, soft lips…or fucking Mike Newton for that matter…and I didn't
want to think about how it was going to affect me throughout this show's life,
so I just kept on drinking.
When we finally left and made it back to Emmett's place, I indeed passed out
on his couch.
About five minutes later, it was time for work again.
I don't know how I got through Friday, to tell you the honest to god's truth. I
don't remember much about it except for Bella's eyes looking at me every so
often, Bella's lips saying something to someone when she was rehearsing her
lines, her hips, the way they moved when she swayed across the sound stage
to go take a break, or get herself something to eat…or drink.
Ugh…drinking.
I wanted to find a nice cold toilet bowl and curl up around it for a nice, long,
nap.
We didn't talk much, Bella and I, which was probably a good thing, I reeked of
tequila and may have very well still been drunk and could have quite possibly
have said something I might have regretted later.
Like, I don't know…"I love you Bella Swan, will you leave your rich and hoity
toity boyfriend for me even though I make absolutely no money and don't have
a home or even a twenty dollar bill to buy you a hot dog from a street vendor?
No?"
As everyone was filing out of the building late that afternoon, Emmett asked if
I wanted to join him and the girls for some drinks before I had to work and I
wanted to empty my stomach out right onto his work boots.
"I take that as a no, then?" he asked, shoulders bobbing, taking in the look on
my face.
"I gotta be at Jasper's by ten PM, dude, I don't wanna blow my first night
working for him by being drunk when I get there."
He scrunched his nose. "Yeah, guess not," he answered, clapping me on the
shoulder.
Hard.
Fuckin ow.
"Doing some side work for old Japser, huh Masen?" James asked from
behind me and my head jerked in his direction, surprised anyone was even
still there with us.
Where'd he come from anyway?
"Uh…yeah," I said to him and he smirked. "Ah, the life of an intern…no
money, no way of getting promoted until you've put your time in, and…well…"
he smiled wider, sucking in a sarcastic breath of air as he did it. "No way to
take a real woman out until you have either of those…tough break, monkey."
He laughed as he trotted off and before I got my mouth to work, Emmett said
what I wanted to.
"Dick."
"My thoughts exactly."
He let out a kind of half laugh, half bitter sounding chuckle and said, "Well, I
guess I'll see ya at home later then, dude…good luck tonight."
I waved as Emmett left, set my watch alarm and grabbed a shower and a nap
at the station before work that night.
As far as crappy dressing up like a cartoon character jobs go though, working
for Jasper wasn't so bad.
The women ate up my Scottish impersonation of Shrek as I served them
drinks and they took lots of pictures with me and not only did I become a hit
with the crowd, but I made seven hundred dollars that night.
Jasper said he didn't know any previous employee that had made that much
in my position.
The key was getting over looking like an idiot and just having fun with the
damn gig.
I mean, I didn't have any other prospects out there at the moment, did I?
It really wasn't as bad as I'd thought it was gonna be and to top things off, I
got my first seriously restful break from the chaos of my first week in New
York City on Saturday morning.
Emmett got up early, although I have no idea how, and had gone jogging and
that meant that I got to sleep in. He left me a note saying he didn't know if he'd
be home all day. He had plans with Rose and sometimes that apparently
entailed traveling down to Washington DC…for the day.
The note also said that he and the girls were planning on visiting me at Vudu
later to give me some moral support.
I couldn't even begin to imaging where that guy got all his energy from.
I tried to keep myself busy that day, you know...aka, off of Bella Swan...so I
cleaned his apartment up for him, it was the least I could do and it tended to
keep my mind off of Bella…for the most part.
Until a song that reminded me of her would come on, or I'd inadvertently think
about her when I'd grab a piece of clothing off of the floor that was my favorite
color on her…
Basically, I thought about her all day.
I indeed did not see Emmett all day either, so when it came time to leave for
my money making job, I left a few hundred dollars of what I'd made the
evening prior in an envelope for him with a note of thanks for letting me stay
with him and said I'd see him later.
…..
"I'm a bee…I'm a bee…I'm a, I'm a bee…" I was singing and bobbing to the
music as I walked around with my tray of drinks in my super hot Shrek
costume.
I was hot.
The second night on the job was going smoothly and I didn't even mind so
much when Emmett and the girls arrived, laughing and giggle snorting at me,
making their way to the bar to sit and get their drinks on.
After a while, I took a short break to go chat with them when I saw
something…or rather, some one walk in and I suddenly became
really…really hot in that costume.
And I don't mean, like, hunky hot...I mean...I needed to get out of that get up
before I spontaneously combusted hot.
"Oh, no," I said under my breath and Emmett, who apparently has very keen
hearing, asked, "What?"
No, no, no, no, no…this is not happening.
I didn't have to answer him, he'd already followed my line of vision and seen
James walk in…with Bella.
"Oh, man…this is gonna be gooooooooood," he laughed and I took a nice
long, deep breath and hoped the sudden change in my body temperature
didn't sweat the make up right off of me.
There was always the chance she wouldn't recognize me, anyway.
Right?
"You may as well get it over with, Edward," Alice told me and I could tell she
felt bad for me, but she also wanted to watch the fireworks as they unfolded.
I was in the middle of coming up with a game plan in my head when I heard
him.
James was screaming over the crowd for me, "Shrek! Yo Shrek! Over here!"
"I think I'm gonna be sick," I said out loud and Jasper told me, "I don't think so,
Masen, you're my biggest money maker right now."
"Speaking of which, I think you gave me a little to much extra mula, my
friend," Emmett broke in but I told him I wasn't taking a dime back, he really
saved my ass.
I took a deep breath into my lungs. "Well, here's go my sudden death of
complete embarrassment…" I turned back to the gang one more time and
said in my Scottish Shrek voice, "burn me boddeh…It'll be far tha best."
They laughed, but hell, I was serious.
"Hallo," I said as I walked up to Bella's table that she shared with the devil
incarnate.
James scrunched his face a little, looking at me and Bella in turn watched him,
then me, then James again as he said, "M…Masen? Is that…you?"
Yeah, like you didn't know that, shit head.
"Uh…."
"Edward?" Bella laughed. "You look…"
"I know…it's…" I shook my head. "Money…"
Somebody shoot me…anybody…please?
"No doubt," she said in agreement, enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe
some of the jobs I had to take when I first got here."
Okay, that wasn't what I'd expected...
"I'm sure none were as great as…" I waved a hand across my body
pretending to do a Don Juan impersonation with my eyes and she giggled
again. It sounded like music and I decided, if dressing like Shrek made her
light up like that, I'd wear this outfit every day for the rest of my life if I had to.
"Really?" she laughed again. "How about a four foot tall foam ten gallon hat
with a red and white checkered shirt and plastic gun holsters?"
"You're joking," I told her, trying not to laugh too hard.
She stood up and put her hands on her hips, twisting her mouth a little to
impersonate a cowboy.
I think.
"Welcome to Roy's, pard…ner…what'll it be fer ya?" she said and I lost it.
Lost. My shit, folks, she was hilarious, and not afraid to make a fool of herself.
This was not the quiet woman in the studio I'd been watching shamelessly all
week. She was brilliant during rehearsals, but in between takes she just
seemed so…shy.
"H…Oh my god, I'm…so sorry…" I said through my hand as it covered my
mouth to hide the laughing I couldn't help anymore.
I could just picture her saying that every day, tens of thousands of times a
day…wanting to beat a customer for not being able to make up their mind or,
making fun of her hat…which I'm sure she looked sexy as hell in…
"How about you stop the chit chat, Masen, and…sing," James said suddenly,
breaking into our private conversation.
Rude.
"What?" I laughed, confused as to whether that was supposed to be some
kind of a joke or something.
Bella's face fell, watching him now.
"You heard me, SING, monkey," James said again, arrogantly this time,
popping a few peanuts into his mouth and I turned to Jasper for some help,
who was at the bar and had seen and quite possibly heard everything that had
just gone down.
He simply shrugged and gave me this look of apology but was kinda sorta
insinuating that yeah, that was part of the gig and I remembered the first day
I'd met him when he'd asked me, "Can ya sing?"
Emmett was next to him, with Rose and Alice at his sides, shoulder bobbing
his ass off.
Oh man...insert I am so completely fucked face here.
"James…" Bella started in her quiet way, not at all like the funny girl from a
few minutes ago.
"Hey I'm a fair guy," he teased, not breaking eye contact with me. "I'll even let
YOU pick the song."
Bella was visibly cringing, making this face like she wanted to apologize, but
that there was just no accounting for the complete dickish nature of her
boyfriend.
My boss.
Apology accepted, Bella.
"Look, I'm sorry if I…" I started with him, admitting to myself that I was after
all, stealing the attentions of his girlfriend he'd come there with.
"No, no, not at all, Masen…I'm just really in the mood for
some…entertainment tonight…I…wanna hear you…sing."
"James, seriously," Bella was saying, annoyed now.
"He doesn't mind Isabella…it's his job…right monkey?" he asked me and I
nodded, bowing slightly to Bella, leave to go find the stage, with my proverbial
tail between my legs once again with this guy.
Now…to find a song.
"You don't understand," I said to Jasper as he guided me up to the stage,
apologizing for not warning me properly about this crazy shit. "I don't…I
can't…there's no way…"
I had serious stage fright...hence, writing the lines that the actors read in front
of people, as opposed to...acting them out myself.
"Edward," he said, calming me down by placing a hand on my shoulder. "Just
wing it, dude, people git up here every weekend and make asses of
themselves…ya can't be any worse than them."
"Thanks, Jasper," I said, wearily. "That's…" really not very encouraging at all.
Shit.
I browsed quickly through the list of song choices in the DeeJay's book of
debauchery, figuring…I could sing something sappy to let Bella know how I
feel about her and how she really needed to ditch the dick…but that would just
be like committing suicide with a microphone.
No.
I needed to go for the funny.
I couldn't sing that great, and anything I…
Totally just found the perfect song.
"Here," I said to the DeeJay and he chuckled. "Excellent choice, Masen."
"We'll see," I told him and psyched myself up before turning to the crowd that
was already clapping and whistling for me to get started.
As the music began, I even had the most genius of ideas, seeing how
I did have the Shrek outfit on…and I had been talking Scottish for practice
already…and Mike Myers did speak with that cool Scottish accent in the
movie…
Yeah, I'd be singing this bad boy with the thickest and best Proclaimer's
accent in all New York City.
I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with anyone at first, that shit was
just way to goddamn embarrassing and not looking them in the eyes was
making it just a tad easier.
Emmett was at the bar with the girls, his shoulders bobbing, trying really hard
not to laugh at me as he realized what song I'd be singing but tried to
encourage me by clapping and nodding.
Here goes nothing…I thought as my queue was coming up.
I cleared my throat.
When I wake up well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes
up next to you…
Good lord this was bad, but I'd muddle through it…there was no way James
was gonna get my goat.
When I go out…yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes
along with you….
When the drums played during the next line, I jumped and there were a few
laughs as I continued.
If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk
next to you
And if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's havering
to you!
What the fuck is a haver?
I was so fucking nervous I thought I could hear my own voice shake, but the
crowd seemed to like it and they were hooting and cheering already, even
only a couple of lines into the song, so I tried to get myself to open up a little
and point out around the crowd with the Chorus…doing a little mock march as
I did it.
But I would walk 500 miles, And I would walk 500 more, Just to be the man
who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door…
Yeah, they liked that shit...so much so that a few people even started singing
the chorus with me.
I think Bella was too, but I was avoiding eye contact with her all together, still,
so I couldn't be sure.
I did some sort of crazy ass Shrek dance, gyrating mah belleh.
When I'm working yes I know i'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's
working hard for you…
This part was of course for Emmett.
And when the money comes in for the work I'll do, I'll pass almost every penny
on to you
I pointed to him and he nodded, raising his beer to me as if to say, "damn
straight."
When i come home yeah know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who
comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's
growing old with you
The chorus included more people singing along this time and following that
was the hook.
I was caught a little off guard when Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper all
shouted it from the bar at me.
"Da la da da!" they sang loudly and I repeated it back to them like we'd been
practicing that shit for years.
I was laughing my ass off by the time that part was over.
I hadn't expected the increase in self confidence that it would instill in me, but
it did, and when there was a short lull in the singing, I shushed the crowd
before making direct eye contact with Bella finally, who was already watching
me, and sang the next lines to her and her alone.
When I'm lonely…well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man whose
lonely without you.
And when I'm dreamin'…well i know I'm gonna dream, I'm gonna dream about
the time when I'm with you.
She had been singing, I could tell, but when I started singing to her, she
stopped, and the laughter faded from her lips and she seemed only a little bit
embarrassed, looking around to see if anyone else was staring at her.
Other than the six foot tall freak dressed like Shrek up on the stage, that is.
Or James.
When I go out, yeah I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes
along with you.
When I come home yes I know i'm gonna be, I'm gonna, be the man who
comes back home with you.
I pointed to her.
I'm gonna be the man who's coming hooooooooooome…with you.
More people joined in on the chorus and the gang at the bar did their da la da
da shit again. By the time I was done singing, I felt like a rock star and had my
fists pumping in the air and as the song ended, people clapped loud, standing
up and cheering me on, calling my name out like they'd just paid seventy five
dollars to see me at a live concert or something.
Eat. That. James.
Monkey my ass.
I don't know if it was the high I'd just come off of from that song, or the people
egging me on, or the alcohol that was still likely in my system from the
previous few nights that made me do what came next and looking back, it
might have very possibly shown poor judgment on my part, but like I said
before, I fly by the seat of my pants and when I jumped off that stage, I walked
right up to Miss Bella Swan, took her by the hand and pulled her into the most
ridiculous, green Shrek make-up, fat suit filled kiss I could muster.
It was just like on the sound stage earlier in the week.
Pricks of heat traveled up my arms…and other places and my dick hardened
but luckily she wouldn't be able to notice that part with the fat suit on.
I told her, with that kiss, everything I'd been thinking over the past couple of
days. That James was wrong for her, that she was beautiful, that I wanted
her...badly...that thoughts of her haunted me in my sleep and while I was
awake, and that as much as I knew it was a bad idea to want her and pursue
her, I wasn't planning on aggressively avoiding that course of action anymore.
As best as one can in an Ogre costume, that is.
I do believe I even heard a slight whimper emit from Bella, which only made
me deepen the kiss further.
She felt so good in my arms.
I don't remember anyone ever feeling so...right there before.
Whistling ensued and I heard Emmett above everyone and everything else
hollering, "The man!" and decided I'd better break it before we got a ticket for
indecent exposure in public or some crazy ass shit like that.
Bella seemed breathless when I pulled away and I smiled, enjoying the blush
that rose to her cheeks for a moment before staring down at James, who
looked like he wanted to break my face, and asked him, "Any other requests?"
smirking my green face off at him.
Then he stood up and slugged me.
Insert black out here.
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