Chapter 12. Little Did I Know

"When you've had enough, you've simply…had enough." – I made that
one up myself.

Bella's Conscious POV

I was in such a good mood when I got to the set after spending an entire
NIGHT with Edward and his friends.
He almost kissed you again.
Why didn't he kiss you again?
Oh…my head hurts.
I looked for the set's first aid kit they kept on site so I could down a few
thousand aspirin.
Was I hung over a little? Maybe…probably just still drunk, and I definitely
never did get to sleep.
I couldn't.
I was too wound up, thinking about the way I'd had more fun in one evening
than I'd had since moving to New York.
I was basking in the happy when Tanya's loud voice called anyone who'd
been in attendance at the "Rodeo Bar" the night before to get out to center
stage immediately.
That was about when my stomach sank. And I was pretty sure it wasn't from
all the lingering alcohol that was swimming around in there still.
How did she know?
Then I saw James standing with her when I got out there, and things started
making sense.
What did you ever see in this guy anyway?
I twisted my mouth a little as he read the newspaper article to the group of us
in front of Tanya.
It was bad enough she already saw me as just another one hit wonder actress
who wouldn't be around much longer, but now, James was just feeding her
fire as he sat there embarrassing me in front of the people I'd actually bonded
with the night before.
He's so ugly when he's smug, I never noticed before.
"It girl, Isabella Swan was seen gallivanting around the city last night with an
unknown male companion."
Ohhhhh, they are smart little paparazzi's, they knew Edward was a boy.
James glared at Edward, who wasn't saying much, yet, and I felt horrible for
putting him in this position. For putting any of them in this position.
"It was reported a while back that Miss Swan's long time boyfriend and
Producer, James Halloway had cheated on her. Those rumors were squashed
by the couple, but now it seems, the tables have turned."
That little shit of a paparazzi was insinuating that I…
Edward cut my thoughts off by grabbing for the paper.
"We get it, James…"
"Oh, no, you don't get it, monkey…there's more."
Oh, yay. There's more.
"It was later confirmed, after some investigation, that Miss Swan had visited
the 'Rodeo Bar' with a group of people unknown to this reporter, and was
drinking heavily and her actions were perceived by certain patrons as…" he
lowered the paper and looked at me, disapprovingly of course. "Provocative."
Provacative?
"She was NOT…!" Edward screamed and I wanted to kiss him again for
saying that.
Many, many times.
Then take his clothes off and kiss him in other places.
Many, many times.
My eyes might have glazed over at that point.
"Okay, okay, listen," Tanya broke in. "Anyone who doesn't NEED to be here,
can disappear…like, immediately."
People left, all but those of us who were in trouble with mommy and
daddy and James narrowed in on Edward, like, immediately.
Of course.
"I told you, you could destroy her, I asked you, to stay away, so what do you
do? You stupid, Neanderthal, mindless…"
He did? When did he tell him this?
"You're not the boss of her," Edward replied and it really was all I could do to
keep from laughing…he was soooo…cute.
"No, but I AM her…"
That's it.
"Fiance?" I finally broke out of my silence, I couldn't take it anymore.
Try to lie your way out of this one, James.
"Buurr-hur-hurrrrrrn," Emmett chuckled from somewhere and although I knew
it was funny, I was too pissed off at that point to even attempt a smile; it would
have only come across as something like a sneer I think anyway.
James's attention was diverted from Edward finally with my single word and
then he turned on me.
Keep the momentum, he's gonna lay into you here soon.
"I asked them to go with me," I added before he got a word in.
See how he reacts to THAT.
I could literally see Edward's brow furrow from my peripheral vision and
Emmett's jaw dropped. Rose and Alice just smiled and I realized, I considered
these people, friends.
Huh.
"Well then, would you like to explain why you felt the need to go out with
these…"
Emmett cut him off before he could insult anyone. "Careful what you say,
there, pal…you're not my boss and this ain't no Vudu Lounge,"
Then James changed his line of questioning. "What, do you want to be the
next Paris Hilton or something, Isabella?"
Please, like anyone could behave as badly as THAT woman.
"Leave…her…alone," Emmett snarled and when he said that, I realized that
the people I considered friends, felt mutually about me.
I smiled inwardly.
Edward looks lethal.
I smiled harder inwardly and their support gave me more fuel.
"Maybe if you hadn't gone off…" I waved at the air. "…to wherever at the last
minute, with…whoever it was you went with, I wouldn't have felt the need to
ask these nice people to keep me company, now would I, James?"
He probably had something to say to that, but I wasn't done with him yet.
"And I can go out with whomever…" I took a step closer. "Wherever…"
another step and James seemed to back away. "And WHENEVER, I want!"
Bring it home, Bella.
"I'm Isabella Marie Swan, James, not June Fucking Cleaver….and you know
what?"
Nice touch!
"If those stupid rag mag jerk offs who like to call themselves reporters want to
throw a rumor out there that I behaved less than respectfully? Then FUCK.
THEM."
I was breathing erratically, my blood was pumping hard and I honestly couldn't
believe I'd just said "fuck" and with that, I spun on my heels and headed for
my dressing room before I threw up.
Never, ever had I thrown such a tantrum, since I was six that is. And it felt…
So…Good.
And if I was being truly honest, I had to admit that if Edward hadn't ever
walked into that station and been so…real, and then kissed me, and
then…SANG to me…kissed me again, included me in his group and fell on
top of me at that country bar in an oh so totally clumsy yet, completely
adorable kind of way, I may not have ever done it still.
I was leaning against my dressing table, staring at myself in the mirror, sorting
through all of the feelings I was having when James burst into the room.
I grabbed my chest at spun around, not knowing exactly what to expect…I
mean, I'd never spoken to him like that before, and I had no idea how he'd
react to me now.
"Isa…"
I eyed him.
"Bella," he corrected himself and I just stood there, silently and crossed my
arms.
Then I decided, I really needed to vent.
"You know what I realized out there, James?"
He walked over to me a little more and took a seat. My seat.
"What's that, Bella?"
"You don't care about me…you don't care about anything, or anyone, but
yourself."
"That's not true, I care about you a great deal."
Liar.
"Then why, James, WHY would you embarrass me like that? Why would you
embarrass my FRIENDS?"
"Friends?" he barked a loud laugh at that. "You think those people are
your friends, Isabella? They're not your friends, their skirt tail riders, they just
want a piece of the fun train and when that fun train ends, do you think they're
going to stand by you when the paparazzi are attacking?"
I didn't want to listen to him, I just wanted to be alone, to think, and to try to
put some sense to the way my life had completely derailed lately.
"They'll do whatever they can do to make a buck, Isabella, or to get
themselves ahead of the game, because right now, they're the monkeys and
you're their cool new shiny toy that's paying attention to them."
I needed him to stop talking.
They weren't like that.
"And when their opportunity arises, they'll throw you to the wolves…" he
smiled. "Or shall I say, paparazzi."
He was insinuating that one them had told the press about my outing with
them the night before, but I just couldn't believe that.
"I want you to go, James."
Quiet, I needed quiet.
"Bella,"
"I mean it, I'll call Tanya in here right now if you don't."
He was thoughtful for a moment, looked like he might even say something
else about it, but then his demeanor changed and he relaxed a little.
And smiled.
"I tell ya what, Bella, you take all the time you need." He rubbed my arms as
he was talking now, then took my hands into his own.
"I'm taking more than time, here James…don't you understand? I…"
"I just want you to be happy, but I also want you to know, that I love you, and
when you're done exploring this…whatever it is you're exploring right now, I'll
still be here for you."
He kissed the back of my hands and then left quietly before I'd had a chance
to pull them away from him.
I didn't want his lips on my skin anymore.
I only wanted to feel Edward's lips.
His hands.
His…everything.
God, what was I doing?
When the door closed behind James, I did what I'd wanted to do since I'd
walked in that morning.
I took a nap.
…
"Bella."
Someone was calling me. Was it in my dream?
"Bella, honey, you need to wake up."
I guess not.
"Hmmm?" I stretched and blinked my eyes open to find Rose hovering over
me, shaking me gently.
"You okay, honey?" she asked and immediately remembered why I had
needed to sleep.
"Poor Edward," I said, putting a hand over my face, thinking about how James
had treated him earlier, but Rose assured me, "Don't you worry about that
boy, Bella, Edward's got some spunk…he's gonna be fine, James is just an
asshole."
She laughed, causing me to smile and I silently harassed myself for not
getting to know her sooner, she was truly a good person.
"You must think I'm such a hussie," I said quietly.
Rose raised a single eyebrow and just said, "I think you're a woman, who's got
issues with love and is confused about her feelings, just like the rest of us,
honey."
I sighed.
Because there really wasn't much to say about that. She was right.
"And that you're a hussie."
Huh?
She laughed…"But hell if you're not the sexiest hussie I ever met." She
winked and I sat myself up.
"He must hate me."
She patted me on the head a little and told me, "Don't worry, sweetie, it'll all
work out." She hesitated a second and then told me, "I'll tell Tanya you're not
feeling good, but she won't be very happy about it…you should go home."
"Yeah, thanks Rose."
She left and I snuck out of the station like the coward I was, but not without
sneaking a peek at Edward before I left. He was starting at Tanya's office and
talking mindlessly to Mike, who I was pretty sure was asking him what some
word Edward had given him to say meant.
I left, and called my publicist on the way home.
She listened to me rant and freak out and tell her about how I was never going
to be with James again, and when I finally stopped, as I entered my building
and nodded politely to Felix, she gave me her official advice.
"Isabella, hon…I think you need to steer clear of everyone for a bit, from
everyone…take a break, you can't just…jump in to bed with this…whatever
his name is…"
"Edward…his name is Edward."
And why can't I?
"Right…anyway, the press will have a hay day with you, no matter what is
said on either side, James has been around for a whole hell of a lot longer
than you, sweetie, they aren't gonna wanna piss him off, you'll look like the
bad guy and that's not good for Carlisle's new show that hasn't even piloted
yet, by the way."
I huffed out and she continued.
"Listen, did you call me because you wanted to vent? Or did you actually want
my professional opinion in here somewhere?"
"No, no, I know, you're absolutely right, I just…"
Want him so bad.
I pushed the elevator button and waited for the doors to open for me.
I hated this life sometimes, I hated that I couldn't break up some jerk and
begin dating the Mister Right that I'd finally seemed to have found immediately
after without worrying about the repercussions of that decision.
And what I really and truly hated, was that I loved my career so much, that I
was willing to play by those rules despite the fact that I knew, if I waited too
long, Edward would find some other woman who was probably better for him,
more together and in tune with who she was and certainly wouldn't avoid him
just because her PUBLICIST said it was the smart thing to do.
"Bella." She called me Bella when she was stepping out of her professional
role, and into the role of my friend, so I knew what was coming.
I hoped for it, anyway.
"Take what you need, which is time, sort through your feelings, then if you still
feel the same about this guy…screw the rest of us."
I wanted to cry.
"Thanks, Angela," I said as I got onto the elevator and pushed the button for
my floor.
"You got it, love. Call if you need to."
I was definitely needing to cry.
And maybe eat a quart of Rocky Road ice cream.
"Okay."
I was at my floor shortly after ending the call and stepped out of the elevator,
down the hall, into my apartment, which seemed cold and unwelcoming now.
I thought about Edward as I slipped out of my clothes and into my big fuzzy
slippers and robe. Could almost imagine him undressing me as I popped
some microwave popcorn and started a movie.
It wasn't so much an oldie as a goodie.
Moulin Rouge.
The one with Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor. I fast forwarded to my
favorite part, where they're practicing the new secret song and the asshole
Duke is questioning why the courtesan would choose the penniless writer over
the maharishi and I said the line right along with Ewan when he screamed out,
"Because she doesn't love you!" imagining Edward saying the line in his
Scottish accent he did so well.
I bawled.
"She loves the writer," I whispered to myself, nodding as Ewan corrected
himself to the Duke and Nicole Kidman pretended it wasn't a big deal.
"Can I do this?" I asked myself and then corrected the question. "What exactly
am I doing?"
I lay there, rewinding the movie to watch from the beginning so I could get the
full effect of that moment again as I stuffed my face with the popcorn I'd
popped and chased it down with Pepsi Max.
The phone might have rang, or the doorbell might have sounded, I don't know,
I didn't care and didn't answer.
And all I really thought about while the movie played, was how I would
manage to stay away from Edward so that the paparazzi wouldn't have a field
day with him, and how I'd manage being on a show that had anything to do
with James when he refused to accept the fact that I was no longer interested
in settling for less than love.
More importantly though, was whether or not that love would wait around for
me to take my head out of my ass.
One can only hope.