Chapter 9. Screw Caution, It's Overrated

Victor Borge told us that "Laughter is the shortest distance between two
people." I think I'm gonna test that theory.

The Idiot Woman Stealer's POV

Sunday morning…
 

Yes, Bella…oh god, right there…
Shit, she felt good, her lips, her hands, her…everything.
"Mmmmmm, Edward," I heard her whisper in my ear and I smiled, reaching for
her.
She giggled and scooted away from me a little further than my reach, so I
leaned to her more.
And fell off of the couch, flat onto my face. "Ow."
"Get off me, you perv!" she screamed.
Huh?
I opened an eye.
Ah, shit.
"Rose, leave him alone."
"He's yanking his wanker…on your couch, Em, it's gross."
I pulled the cover up around me, and my hand outta my shorts. "Morning,
Rose," I choked. I really needed to get my own place.
Emmett chuckled a little. "No worries, dude, it ain't like I haven't ever wacked
off after a night of ogling Rose before."
"Disgusting," Rose said, shaking her head and walking back into the kitchen.
"Hey, if Emmett's too disgusting, Rose…" I teased, 'cause I figured, teasing
and laughing was way better than embarrassment and hiding.
"Hey now," Emmett warned me.
"Oooooh…my head." As I got myself back up onto the couch again, pain was
searing through the side of my face.
"Dude…you completely fucked yourself last night."
"What the hell?" I asked, putting a hand up to my pained jaw. It
didn't feel swollen.
Pussy punch…I got knocked the fuck out by a pussy punch.
Nice.
More laughter.
It's like they could hear what was going on in my head.
"He's gonna wish he was when he goes back to the set tomorrow," Rose said.
She was annoyingly sarcastic, and probably very right.
I was a little confused though.
"Why am I here?" And not at work still.
"Jasper said to take you home, that you deserved the rest of the night off."
"Why would I deserve the…"
Singing karaoke…Kissing Bella…James slugging me…right.
"Shit."
"Ah…he remembers," Rose said.
"Can he fire me for that shit, James I mean?" I asked, already trying to figure
out if Jasper would let me work every night instead of just weekends.
But Emmett assured me, "Nope, only Mr. C has that power, dude."
Well, at least I've got that going for me.
"But he can surrrre as shit make you one miserable monkey," Rose added.
"Will everyone please cease and desist with the monkey shit?"
They both laughed.
"What the fuck is with that anyway?"
"Relax, Edward," Rose said. "it's just kinda like…your right of passage at the
station, we've all been through it."
"Well I'm sick of it."
"Awe, poor M…Edward," she started to say it, I know she did, but she
changed it up after she saw the look of warning in my eyes…either that or she
felt sorry for me.
I sat up and Emmett sat a paper plate down in front of me with a sandwich
and some chips on it.
Goddamn stupid ass Fucking monkey bullshit.
"Thanks, man."
He chuckled, nudging me with his arm. "Hey, it's the least I could do with the
grocery money you gave me."
The three of us sat and ate for a while, they laughed at me, remembering the
complete ass I'd made of myself on that stage but did admit I was pretty great
and I even had to chuckle 'cause it was actually kinda cool, once the crowd
had gotten into it.
"What do I do? I mean, about Bella?"
"Oh, it's Bella, is it?" Rose cocked an eyebrow at me when Emmett teased
and I rolled my eyes, so he got a little serious for me.
Just a little.
"Okay, look, this is Isabella Swan you're dealing with, so you can't just…" he
waved a hand. "Give her what everyone else does…ya gotta woo her."
Woo?
"What does that mean?"
Rose stopped eating and sat back a little. "This outta be good," she said,
placing her elbow on her knee and her chin on her fist to listen to what
Emmett had to say on the subject.
"It means…" He thought about his words carefully. "Ya gotta give her Edward
Masen."
Again, I say, what does that mean?
Not to mention the fact that, I don't even know who Edward Masen is. I know
who Edward Cullen is, but Edward Masen could be….anyone.
Point taken.
"Okay, Yoda…and how would you propose I give her…Edward M…Masen?"
Still sounds weird.
Emmett put his sandwich down, turned to me and said, "Well now that's up to
your to figure out, isn't it?" He even said very Yoda-ish for me, gotta give him
props for that, even though he was really just talking out of his ass.
Rose rolled her eyes. "Seriously? That's all you got for the guy? Give her
Edward Masen, and that's for your to figure out?" She was using her fingers to
make air quotations.
"Well what do you propose, Dr. Phil?" he asked her.
She looked at me up and down once while I was busy shoving more ham and
cheese into my mouth. "Well for one thing, he could take some of that money
he made at Jaspers and upscale his wardrobe."
I stopped eating. "Hey, fiff if me…what you fee if what you git…" I said with a
mouth full of bready goodness.
"My point exactly," was all she said about it after that.
I swallowed and thought about what she was saying for a minute, then looked
to Emmett. "I don't get it."
"Me either, dude," he answered.
"And this is why you don't dress yourself," Rose told him, rolling her eyes.
…
Later, after everyone was finally off to bed that night, and I was left to my own
devices in the dark, I remembered how Bella's face had lit up the night before
when I was making her laugh and realized, that was my in.
James might have some sort of hold on her professionally,
for, whatever reason, but I was the one that made her glow.
I was the one that made her laugh and her eyes sparkle.
That was my niche.
And I was gonna make that shit work for me.
….
The next day, when Bella came in late and was in the middle of her massive
Mike Newton, bagel break down of some sort, I'd taken advantage number
one of the situation.
Not that I wouldn't have anyway, she was looking so damn…lost…and
desperate…and…funny as hell…I just couldn't let her lose her shit all together
like that.
It worked out well. She laughed and became somewhat of a bagel hero in the
process.
I was quite proud.
As the day wore on, I would sneak peeks at her, sometimes catching her
sneaking a few at me while I was jotting down some good lines for Mike that
I'd come up with.
I mean seriously, Megalomania versus Melanoma? Come on, that's funny
stuff.
Then James arrived, killing my Bella buzz all together, as well as Bella's it
looked like.
Her body posture changed completely and the look on her face was more of
hurt and anguish as opposed to the previous light hearted fun one and when
I'd thrown that note at her, I hadn't meant to clock her in the forehead but it did
the job I'd intended it to do and made her face light up again.
Yep.
I would be living and breathing for that smile. For a long time.
I was so intent on my next move that I hadn't noticed when James walked up
to me, so I jumped, just a little bit though, when I heard him ask, "How's the
jaw, Masen?"
I looked up to see him staring down at me. He had been smiling, but the smile
was fading.
Well let me just add to that faded smile, monkey fuck face.
"Worth every ounce of soft lip locking goodness I got in exchange for it,
thanks." I grinned without showing any teeth.
Dick.
He took a deep breath of air into his lungs and looked at his perfectly
manicured, never did a hard days work in his life fingernails and said, "I don't
want you interacting with Isabella anymore, Masen."
Who is this guy? Her fucking father?
"Really." I said it, there really wasn't any question as to what he'd said after
all…then I placed my script down next to me.
"Yes, really," he answered. "You have no idea how much you could hurt her
career by pulling stunts like what you did the other night."
"Oh, so this about you caring about what happens to her, then."
Not.
"Exactly," he told me, lowering his hand, looking at me now.
"Well don't you think she should be the on making that decision?"
"I think the media are the ones that make that decision…she gave up that
right when she decided to get into the business."
Insert what the fuck moment here.
I mean, did he even havefeelings for her? What the hell did the goddamn
media have to do with how you feel about someone?
I was so confused.
"So, she no longer chooses who she…" dates. "Interacts with?"
He pointed a finger at me and winked. "Bingo…so you really do have a
brain…guess what you've won…m…"
I cut him off. "Fucking call me monkey and you might win a scene right here in
the middle of the sound stage, in front of all your minions, James."
Screw him and his intimidation tactics.
He laughed at that.
Probably because he didn't know what a minion was and didn't have a
comeback, but who knows the real reason…then he eyeballed me and ended
his one sided conversation with, "Just stay away from her, and there won't be
any reason for any…scenes…intern."
The way he said "intern" wasn't very encouraging and when he walked away, I
thought about it for a minute, snuck a peek at Bella, then followed him out.
Because, A) I wasn't gonna let him talk to me like that anymore, I don't care
who he IS or thinks he is and B) it wasn't okay with me for him to insinuate
Bella doesn't have a flipping mind of her own and C)…I…
Totally almost ran right smack into Carlisle in the hallway.
"Edward, just the man I wanted to see," he said smiling.
I was watching James round the corner, getting away, and I was completely
distracted. "Not right now, Carlisle, I've got something I need to…"
He stepped in front of me. "It's just that your aunt…" he looked around. "I
mean, Esme, would really like you to come for dinner later, and I told her I
would twist your arm…"
"What?" I looked at him, then back down the hallway and thought I saw
someone standing there, but then they were gone. "Um..sure, yeah, what
time?"
"Great," he said excitedly and then he put a hand on my shoulder and said,
"You're doing great by the way…I'll have Gianna get directions to you and
we'll see you around six."
Once he was out of sight, I ran down the hallway and out the front doors after
James, who I'd somehow caught up to faster than I thought I would.
He was just about to get into a limo and seemed to be talking to someone
inside the car and I wondered if I'd missed Bella leaving with him some how.
"James!" I yelled after him.
"Late business lunch?" I asked him and he smiled, but didn't answer.
I tried to look into the vehicle to see who was waiting for him in there but he
blocked my view. "On the go massage, maybe?"
Still, nothing.
I wasn't stupid, I could see the guilt written all over his face, I just didn't know
what he was up to for sure.
"I'm heading out of the city for a day or two…intern, not that it's any of your
business."
"Out of the city."
"That's right, you'll uh…" he picked a piece of lint off of my shirt. "Tell Isabella
for me, won't you?"
"Why don't you tell her yourself?"
"I'll text her on my way," he smiled again.
"You treat her like shit, James…" This seemed to get a reaction out of him
and he swung the car door so that is was almost closed before speaking to
me again.
"You think I'm stupid, intern? You think I don't see your little…crush that you
have on my fiancé?"
"Fiance?"
"Look…" he put a hand on my shoulder and I eyeballed it, wanting to slap it
away.
"Masen…right?" he sneered.
I didn't answer him, he knew my fake name.
"Isabella might think you're cute, and funny…" he scrunched his nose up to
mock me. "But she's not an idiot, she knows things wouldn't go anywhere with
you and that you'd hurt her career more than help it…so you just…" he
wiggled his fingers at me as if he was typing on a typewriter. "Keep on writing
your squippy little lines for the show, but you be sure to stay…the hell…away
from Isabella, because if you don't…" he leaned in more to whisper in my ear.
"I'll end you."
He removed his hand from my shoulder as he stood back up right and smiled.
I didn't like the smiling.
The smiling was giving me the creeps.
At that though, he finished leaving and I was left there to think over the way
he'd acted and what all of his warnings had meant.
"Dick," I muttered to him as he drove off and then I turned and walked back
into the building.
Inside things were wrapping up and Emmett walked over to me, asking,
"Dude, you're not working tonight, right?"
I confirmed that detail, still ticked and thinking of ways to figure out what the
hell was going on with James.
"Great, Jasper's taking us to his favorite bar later, come with."
"I don't know, dude…I…"
He nudged me in the shoulder. "Come on, it's fun as shit where he's taking us,
and it'll get your mind off of things like dick hole producers and…" he looked
over at Bella who wasn't too far away. "fuck hot actresses."
Bella noticed the two of looking over at her and smiled shyly.
Which gave me a great idea.
James wouldn't be around…and it looked to me like he was already texting his
bad news to her because she was reading something on her cell phone and
twisting her mouth up in that completely adorable way she always did.
I grinned. "I'm bringing Bella."
"What?"
"I'm bringing her…
"Dude, I don't think that's a…"
I looked at him. "You said to woo her, right? Give her Edward Masen?" I
looked back to Bella, who was packing her things up now. "Consider this my
introduction."
He shook his head but laughed and said, "Dude, you have the biggest balls I
think I've ever had the pleasure of setting my eyes on."
I barked a laugh at that and he added, realizing what that shit had sounded
like, "Not that I've seen a lot of balls, dude…you know what I mean."
I gave him one more laugh and headed over to Bella as she was leaving.
"Hey," I said to her, nodding and stuffing my hands in my pockets to avoid
grabbing her inappropriately.
She smiled. "Hey, is…everything okay? I saw you go out after James earlier."
Blow that shit off.
"Oh," I raspberried my lips and waved a hand at her. "Yeah, that
was…nothing, he just…I wanted…thank him, you know, for the opportunity to
write for this great show here…"
Don't over do it, idiot.
She suddenly had this "V" in between her eyes and said, "Thank James? I
thought Carlisle…"
"Yeah, well…" I swallowed, I was horrible at this. "Just…spreadin' the love,
you know…"
Oy.
She was now looking at me like she wanted to call me out, like she wanted to
tell me how completely full of shit I was, with the cutest little half smile half you
are a nut job look on her face and I take the opportunity of silence to ask her,
"Hey, listen, a bunch of us are headin' out tonight, you wanna…"
Then the look on her face changed…to something along the lines of leaning
toward the "no" answer.
"Oh…I don't…"
"It's okay, Bella," I said to her, smiling now.
I mean really…screw James…he didn't need to know about this..and why
would he anyway, he'd be gone for at least the night…and he clearly didn't
give a shit about her…which is something I was about to start reminding her
of daily, very covertly might I add.
"Unless, you know…you've got plans with James…" I suggested innocently,
knowling fully well she didn't.
Her lips twisted and she almost looked happy when she said, "no, actually…"
then she trailed off a little, not willing to give away too much I suppose…but
little did she know that I knew she was just hiding the pain of having a dick in
her life like that.
I spoke before she got the chance to, I needed to keep the ball rolling along
that fine line of getting her to realize he'd blown her off without depressing the
shit out of her to the point where she just wanted to go home.
"It's just a bunch of us going to hang out…" I encouraged.
Yeah, good stuff, play the friend card.
Then I held a hand up as though I was taking an oath. "I promise, no bagels
will be accompanying us."
She laughed and I added, "Just a friendly group of people, going out…it's
outta the way and…" I leaned in some. "Em says the paparazzi won't be an
issue."
Her bottom lip disappears in between her teeth like she's thinking and I keep
pushing. "And no Shrek costumes."
I hope.
"I don't really know any…of the…" She looked over at the gang hesitantly and
I informed her, "Sure you do…" I pointed to Alice. "Alice does your
hair…which looks lovely, by the way." I pointed to Rose, "Rose dresses
you…in only the best outfits." Em was last. "And that big lug makes you look
even more amazing than you already do through camera magic."
They were all laughing at something and Bella looked up to me with the most
bewildered look on her face and said, "Yeah…Sure…why not."
I literally did a cartwheel in my mind but held it back physically so I wouldn't
scare the shit out of her and make her think she had a lunatic on her hands.
I mean seriously, I couldn't believe that shit had actually WORKED.
"Excellent, we'll swing by and get ya, where do you live?"
She told me and I advised her we'd be by around nine, then told Emmett I had
some "errands" to run and would see him at his place sometime after eight.
…..
"It's not a date," I kept telling myself as I left Carlisle's that night.
He'd called me a cab. He was a little further away from the city that the rest of
us and it was most definitely NOT walking distance as I found out on my way
there.
Esme was great, and had packed up a shit load of leftovers for me to take
home to Emmett's and they told me how happy they were that I was making
friends in the city.
Then made me promise to come by more often and I found myself unable to
tell her no.
I had also made sure not to mention anything about my little outing with Bella
to them during dinner. I know he meant well, but Carlisle was a business man
first and I didn't need another person telling me not to pursue her.
"It could be a date, she might see it as a date," I said as I got out of the cab at
Emmett's apartment.
Emmett liked her, Alice had nice things to say and Rose…well, she pretty
much stayed out of it, but as far as her attitude, she seemed solemn about it.
That was probably good.
"She's taken, dude…it's not a date."
I looked around as I pulled out some money to pay the cabbie, realizing I was
talking to myself and tried to indiscreetly make sure no one else realized it.
They did, but I couldn't help myself…I just kept on babbling away.
"He's a dick, he counts for nothing," I told myself as I took the elevator up to
Emmett's floor.
"You are so selfish," was the last thing I told my conscience before heading in
to get ready.
Because if there was one thing that James was actually right about, it was that
I could make things very ugly for Bella by doing this…whatever it was I was
doing.
Not to mention the fact that if the paparazzi found out I was Carlisle Cullen's
nephew at this point, what would that do?
….
"What the hell am I doing?" I mumbled as we walked along the sidewalk in the
cold and Jasper turned around. "You say somethin', Edward?"
"No, no, I just said…uh…brrrrrr." I tightened my arms around myself and he
just laughed, turning his attention back to Alice. "Ya'd think you'd be more
thick skinned comin' from the good old state of Washington."
"Yeah," I laughed.
As we walked up to Bella's building, I couldn't help but have second thoughts
because the more I let myself think, the more guilty I felt.
"Hey, Em," I called out, deciding once and for all that we should probably just
go. "Let's just…"
But it was too late, because there she was, waiting for us by the front door,
talking to some…mammoth of a human being.
They were laughing about something and then she saw us approaching and
smiled even wider.
She was…
"Holy hell," I breathed out and Emmett said, "Ya got that right," and Rose
elbowed him in the gut.
"Hey," Bella said to me as she walked up to join us. Her hair was down and
she was wearing jeans, but they were like, thousand dollar jeans or
something, 'cause they she certainly didn't look dressed down or anything.
Not like I did that is. The top she was wearing was the absolute perfectly
combined shade of blue and purple and it made her eyes just…
"Hey," I said.
That was about when I felt like I was hit in the stomach with a medicine ball
because I came to understand that I was in, WAY over my head with this
woman.
She took my breath away.
What was I just saying?
"All….righty then, Shrek…" Jasper jibed, noticing the look on my face… "Let's
get a move on." The gang laughed and even Bella and I exchanged a knowing
look with each other.
I put on my big boy pants and said, "Well, eff ya want meh tah talk to yah weth
me Scottish heritage, laddeh, why don't ya just see sew?"
Emmett made an attempt at an impersonation by saying, "I eeee, dew want
knew whot yer tawkin' bout, thare…Edward."
I had to stop as I doubled over and told him, "I'd like to officially dub that the
Texas Shrek malfuntion, Em!"
Jasper agreed and told him, "Dude, accents are not yer fortay…if ya know
what I'm sayin'."
"What?" Emmett shrugged.
The group roared as we walked the sidewalk and people gawked at us, but
we didn't care, we were having too much fun.
"Where are we going anyway?" I asked from the back of the pack and it was
Jasper who answered.
"Ever bin country line dancin'?"
A tiny part of me panicked. I didn't dance, never was really very good at it, but
hell, I figured why not? It couldn't be that hard.
Right?